Dear Taylor Swift,
I didn't think it was possible, but you've done it. You've really done it.
The "Milking a Break-Up for All It's Worth" Award always seemed like it would be held by Alanis Morissette, but after listening to your latest single "We Are Never Getting Back Together" I think we finally have to hand that title over to you.
Now, if you would, I'd like to suggest that you find something else to write about.
I know what you're thinking--what else IS there to write about?
Tay Tay, I have you covered.
I'm sending you this list--it's a variety of things I'm sure you've experienced that I think you should consider exploring musically. Surely it'll expand your range as a songwriter, but more importantly, it'll stop me from cringing whenever I turn on the radio, worrying that I'll be assaulted with "You Left Me" or "You Left My Heart" or "My Heart, Your Hurt" or whatever other melodic assault you plan on unleashing.
So here are some topics:
1) Your pick-up truck breaking down on the way to the prom.
2) Losing your student council seat to a girl with an overbite.
3) Not getting nominated for an Emmy for your riveting performance on "CSI."
4) Dating someone with the same first name as you. Title it "I Called Your Name (And We Both Came)."
5) Entering a pie eating contest.
6) Bacon. Just bacon.
7) A song where you compare yourself to Nelson Mandela.
8) The five minutes where people felt bad for you after the whole Kanye thing and then started hating you again.
9) All the boys you told People magazine you were dating when you really weren't dating any of them.
10) Having to sell your New Kids on the Block dolls at a yard sale so you can go to space camp. (Trust me, it's painful.)
If you use any of these, please don't feel the need to give me credit.
Just send the money.
Your most indifferent listener,
Kevin Broccoli is a local writer, actor, and director living and working in Providence, Rhode Island. His work has been produced by various companies across the state. He can be reached at Kevin071984@yahoo.com.