For the kids: Former resident proposes divorce education

Warwick Beacon ·

One of Warwick’s own has high hopes of bringing new legislature to the state of Rhode Island.

Tim Lemire is a Warwick native and a professional writer currently residing in Providence. His father was a longtime Director of Special Services in the Warwick School Department. He’s also trying to assemble support to convince the Rhode Island General Assembly to form a study commission to examine possible educational modules for divorcing parents.

“I want to see our state have a robust offering of education modules to help divorcing parents, and once that’s in place I plan to advocate for those modules becoming mandatory by law as in Massachusetts and Connecticut,” he said. “Children of divorce in Rhode Island deserve better than the status quo.”

Seventeen states, including neighboring Massachusetts and Connecticut, have laws requiring divorcing parents to take classes on how to co-parent their children through divorce.

“These are supposed to give you guidance on how to be a better parent. It’s not to get mom and dad back together, not to pretend there are no problems, but to give you tools and techniques to do the best you can by your children,” he said.

Just a quick Google search for the worst states for divorce will lead to lots of lists that include Rhode Island. Lemire wants to improve the state’s reputation on the issue and thinks his initiative might help.

“I have gone through a divorce myself here in Rhode Island. I saw firsthand a situation that needs improvement, and I wasn’t content to sit back and think somebody else will do something about it someday,” he said.

Lemire’s efforts have the health of children in mind. A report from Utah State University said children of divorce are more likely to suffer from emotional distress and psychological issues. They may harbor more anger toward themselves and others, break rules more often, have sleep problems, feel guilty frequently, isolate or withdraw themselves from friends and family, abuse drugs and/or alcohol, participate in early sexual activity, or have thoughts of violence or suicide, the report details. In addition to emotional and psychological impacts, there may also be a cost to the state if social services become involved, Lemire said. If parents better understand how divorce affects their children, he said, maybe some of those effects can be prevented.

“I think most moms and dads do not wake up in the morning and say to themselves, ‘how can I damage my children for life? I think that’s what I’ll do today,’” Lemire said. “But they don’t realize that even small things like badmouthing your former spouse in front of your children or interfering with visitation have an effect on kids.”

Some may be skeptical of mandatory classes, especially in high-conflict situations. However, Lemire said that just because classes may not work for a minority of cases does not mean they also won’t for many more.

“Should we not have AA because you can’t change people? Should we not have suicide hotlines because if someone wants to kill themselves that’s what they’ll do? We shouldn’t let cynicism about the most extreme cases make the decision,” he said. “I think there will always be a minority of cases that may not be helped by classes and seminars, just as there are people who slip through the cracks of social services, rehabilitation programs, and other things. But I think the majority of people would benefit by them.”

Lemire has contacted mayors and city/town council presidents throughout the state asking for support. His efforts are backed by the likes of Warwick Mayor Scott Avedisian, Richmond Town Council President Henry Oppenheimer, Representative Aaron Regunberg and Pawtucket Mayor Donald R. Grebian. Oppenheimer said the issue is a “no-brainer” and that it wouldn’t be “rocket science” for a study commission to come up with results.

“I think the [minor aged] kids are the ones that suffer most. The basic bottom line of this is that parents need to be acquainted with the facts of divorce and how it impacts their kids,” he said.

Avedisian was on the Board of Directors at St. Mary’s Home for Children for 25 years and said the Home used to have classes like the ones Lemire is proposing.

“It’s a really good idea. It won’t reunify families, but it will definitely make the divorce process a lot less traumatizing for children,” he said.

In addition, Lemire reached out to family organizations across the state. He’s received support in that respect as well; he said DCYF, Parent Information Network and Center for Mediation and Collaboration all welcomed the idea of more class offerings for divorcing parents.

For now, Lemire doesn’t have all the answers to questions people may have, but a study commission might. Lemire strongly believes the idea of classes would appeal to kids and is prepared to bring his research to the General Assembly come the next session.

“Ask any child, ‘would you like it if mom and dad took a class that would help them cooperate and not fight as much?’ Look me in the eye and tell me a child would not say yes,” he said.