Letter: To be quite frank, that fork is intolerable

EastBayRI.com ·

To the editor:

It has been over a year since several of us with better taste and an eye for what is proper and decorous publicly called for the removal of Westport’s insidious “fork in the road.”  Since that time, neither taste nor civility has yet prevailed, and the hideous sculpture continued to blight our town’s otherwise precious sense of propriety and manner. 

But not even the persistent tastelessness of this offense could have prepared me for the sheer indecency of Shorelines’ August 17 photograph of a giant Vienna sausage (in a commoner’s parlance, a “hot dog”) atop the thing … I clutched my pearls so violently I nearly gave myself vertigo. 

Good heavens! How can polite society tolerate the unbridled vulgarity of such a savage, phallic shape for all to see!  I concede that skirted piano limbs are no longer de rigueur in the more average households, but how are we as a civilized society to manage in the midst of such outlandish and public brandishing of the scandalously suggestive shape of a fairgrounds foodstuff?  

This situation is intolerable, and I demand the fork and its giant flesh-toned appendage be removed post haste.  If I may be, eh, … frank, the fork has indeed gone from bad to wurst.

Eunice Wentworth Howell


Editor's note: Eunice Wentworth ‘Lovey’ Howell is the pen name of a Westport resident who preferred to contribute satire anonymously, “for fear of angry socialites, historians, and other pitchfork-wielding traditionalists.” But since our policy is to include the actual names of letter authors, he reluctantly agreed to let us reveal that he is really Zach Taylor of Westport.